Applying for jobs: Learn so you don’t get Burned

With so many people out of work because of the Recession, I thought I’d share my recent job hunting experiences with scams. Because, let’s face it, there are a lot of them out there. People are more desperate and vulnerable than ever now, and the scammers know this. Like a nerdy girl who agrees to meet a hunky guy she met on-line at the top of the Empire State Building, you can get burned if you’re not careful. Before you put yourself out there, consider the few hours I wasted researching (well, sort of) and applying to these two scam jobs.

Job # 1

The company described itself thusly: “[redacted] is an event based promotional company that works with the community to create awareness and revenue for charitable and non profit organizations for children.” Okay, cool. I’d be doing something yuppie-ish and selfless at the same time. Said company was seeking creative people with artistic, sales and business talent whom they would pay a starting salary of $30,000 per year. I’m not too greedy, I thought – I could swing it. My only suspicion that something was off had to do with the fact that the company’s website was still vague about what it exactly did. I was able to ascertain the basics – such as the fact that they organized community-based advertising events for charities and businesses – but a more specific description of the job duties and responsibilities was lacking. This should have normally sent alarm bells off in my head, but like a lot of job seekers I am desperate to land a job (any job) sooner rather than later. I’ve gotten used to putting myself out there as I realize there is very little to lose as long as I don’t disclose any sensitive personal information like my SSN or mother’s maiden name.

Anyway, here is the carefully-thought-out email I sent to somebody in HR at the company named Kate:

Dear HR Professional-

I would like to be a part of the future of advertising! [redacted]’s novel shift away from traditional advertising methods to community-based, grassroots promotion is appealing to somebody like me. You see, I consider myself a wordsmith, and as someone who cherishes his ability to craft sophisticated sentences and paragraphs, it is demoralizing to watch the current drying up of so many print media jobs. As the career landscape for future writers looks more and more barren, I dread not being able to have a job where I can employ my favorite talent for conceptualizing, drafting and writing creative and informative copy. Whether it be prose, poetry, drama or jingles – I feel I have the creative genius to be an asset to [redacted]’s mission in a variety of capacities.

And I also have people skills! Working in the supermarket industry for 7 years (1999-2006) taught me the value of customer service. Not only is having good synergy with your patrons helpful to a company’s bottom line, it is also FUN! Supermarket customers recognized me as a friendly, helpful, sociable and down-to-Earth kind of employee rather than as a rigid and disinterested associate. My job as a substitute teacher also helped me build effective communication skills. As a substitute, I needed to be able to seamlessly transition between the role of mentor, tutor, friend, instructor and disciplinarian. This was the only way to meet the diverse needs and demands of so many diverse classroom environments. And as a self-proclaimed shy person, I consider it no small feat that I have been an effective communicator at all of my previous jobs.

Please view my resume which I have cut and pasted below. It highlights my education, published writing and recent work experience. I hope there can be a place for me on [redacted]’s team.

Thank you in advance for considering my application.

Okay. Not a laborious task writing that letter, but it still took me over two hours to read everything that was on the company’s website and create that little self-advertisement. Two hours which could have been spent applying to a real job. How do I know the aforementioned job wasn’t real? Because, as soon as I clicked send and the above letter was beamed to Glen Cove, NY, an email popped up in my in-box from the company. It was from Kate, and she said, “Our hiring manager selected your resume for review but still has just a few questions for you before moving forward.” Kate wanted me to call her directly at 555.277.1536 so we can (as she said) “continue the selection process.”

Hmmmmmm, I may not be an expert on time travel and that sort of thing, but I know that it takes at least a few minutes to review somebody’s application. It also happened to be 11:30 at night when I sent the above cover letter, and unless Kate has access to a time machine, there would be no way for her to personally respond to me in a matter of seconds. Because that is seriously how long it took to get a reply from her.

If the alarm bells didn’t go off before, they were definitely ringing now. That vague suspicion I had had earlier finally broke free from my desperate blindness, and I decided to do some investigating. Turns out there is a website which exposes most of the scam companies called RipoffReport.com. I am not even going to reiterate what it says about [redacted], but if you want to read it you can click here.

Job # 2

This job is a bit less scam-ish, but after going to RippoffReport.com it is safe to say that everything about the institution doesn’t add up. This alone sort of makes it a scam, because if a business – or college or whatever – is either vague or lies about what it exactly does, it can’t be a very reputable business (or college), right?

Example: a city that I used to live in was known for being a place where factory work was a big former industry. Many people assumed that factories and manufacturing were part of the past in that town, sort of the laurels it could rest on (like saying, hey, we used to be a major player in the Industrial Revolution, what can your city claim?).

Anyway, the truth is that factory and manufacturing jobs are still plentiful in my former city. They just didn’t like to admit it. Who does? It is better to talk about a company’s status as a Fortune 500 company, or its millionaire CEO or its ever-increasing stock prices than it is to mention the fact that they are simply a manufacturer of medical devices. Saying “We have over 1,200 employees” makes you sound big, but if you mention that these employees make crap wages and have lousy health insurance, you look like a bunch of slave drivers.

You should also be skeptical of fancy jargon, shop talk and job titles. I have heard cashiers referred to before as “customer service  technicians.”  If you sit next to a girl at a bar and ask her what she does and she says, “I am a customer service technician” you think, oh, she must sit in a cubicle all day and make $40,000 per year. You don’t envision her in a dorky uniform covered with lots of flair repeating cheesy slogans all day to suburban moms and rednecks.

But I digress…

The job is described this way:

The customer-service oriented individual selected for this position will be the front-line contact for our students in our [redacted, redacted] Center. As an articulate and energetic [redacted] representative, this person will advise, counsel and provide excellent service for students both in person and over the phone.

I responded with this letter:

I am applying for [redacted]’s full-time adviser position located in Manhattan. I saw this job on the New York State Department of Labor website….[I briefly brag about my superlative 1997 SAT scores and college test taking experiences, etc]….I realize how important the SAT is for aspiring college students. I believe this understanding will enable me to assist young people and their families with courtesy and alacrity. I have excellent people skills which I have learned and honed at my former jobs and volunteer activities. As a tutor, substitute teacher, library reference worker and during a supermarket job I held for 6 years during college – in these various capacities the ability to communicate well and have good synergy with people was essential.

I look forward to having a chance to be considered for this job. I have enclosed a copy of my resume which further highlights and lists my education, recent work history, publications, skills and contact information.

Thank you,

TIM FREEMAN

After doing further research, I realized in the end that I had wasted  another couple of hours of my life. What sounded like a legitimate job at first turned out to be less than that…A LOT less than that. If hired I would no doubt get a paycheck, and I would have the self-esteem that comes along with being a productive member of society. But if being just another brick at the bottom of a large pyramid scheme structure makes you feel important…lets’ just say I’d be reading and re-reading Kafka’s The Trial every night to figure out who I was.

***

Pyramid schemes, scams, factories disguised as “global engineering  packaging consultants”…they are out there. And now more than ever because of this Recession. The scammers know when to strike, and they are striking. The job boards are littered with dozens of scams, some obvious and some not-so-obvious. Beware. If you are hired to work for a “global leader in information solutions” you might get stuck assembling touch-screen gambling machines. Or it could be worse. You could be hawking trinkets in Wal-Mart parking lots.

What would be even worse, however, is if you actually convinced yourself that this kind of work was in fact part of the reality of the rat race instead of just suffering some humiliation and bullshit for a day or two. Okay, you might think, this is part of the reality of work life: i.e.,  start out at the bottom, don’t ask questions, expect to work hard and someday you might actually become CEO, etc.

You’d be so wrong. You’d be a sucker. And some racketeer somewhere would be driving a BMW and own a Mansion or two because of the hard, futile and pointless work performed by schmucks like you.