The beginning of the end, or the beginning of the beginning, or maybe just a mirage

This post is about the Great Recession (hence the title). But it’s also about a New York Univeristy job that I applied to this week. This job is so far up my alley that one would almost think I pulled a Ferris Bueller and hacked into NYU’s human resources computer system and created the job myself. New York University has a vacancy for a reference associate in one of their libraries: 

“The Division of Libraries at New York University (NYU) seeks a Reference Associate to provide a variety of reference and research services to library patrons in person and remotely. Conduct library tours, basic information literacy classes, and term paper clinics for students. Assist with content development and maintenance of Science unit web sites. Participate in Science unit projects and strategic planning initiatives. Reports to the Head of NYU-Bobst Library Coles Science Reference Center.”

This is a full-time job and (gasp!) it actually requires a bachelor’s degree. You know, it’s funny because so many similar jobs out there now - and by “similar” I mean jobs that carry the same heft of responsibilities, duties and know-how – tend to skimp on the education requirements. In the last post I wrote about an administrative/clerical job at the Brooklyn Public Library, and you may recall that the duties for that job made it seem like a senior administrative personnel position. And yet, despite the experience and education one would need to bring to this type of job, the BPL encouraged people who only have high school diplomas to apply.

Now, I know we’re still mired in this Recession, and I realize that companies have to trim the budgetary fat wherever it’s most egregious. Lowering the qualifications for a job is a savvy move employers cooked up so they can pay workers less for doing the same amount of work. Why hire somebody with a professional degree who expects a lot of zeros in their paycheck, when your business can get by hiring somebody fresh out of community college and only pay them $20K/year.

But at least things aren’t as bad now as they were just as recent as 6 months ago. A year ago, if you had a masters degree – or god forbid a PhD – you were facing an uphill battle in the job hunt. Nobody wanted to have anything to do with a senior technical writer who expected to earn a minimum salary of $80K per year with excellent fringe benefits and 401K included. If you had a library science degree, forget it! Libraries were only hiring pages (college students) and paying them barely more than minimum wage. There might have been a library assistant/technician job or two up for grabs, but these positions were most likely $12/hr positions that only required a high school diploma or (preferably) associates degree.

But the darkest nadir of the Great Recession seems to be over.* Despite the plethora of jobs that still skimp on educational prerequisites, there is a feeling that things are starting to return to normal. The pall of the shadow banking fiasco feels like it has mostly dissipated; after all, nobody is really panicking or talking about it non-stop anymore. And because of this companies are now starting to pursue fresh talent again. This is evident by the number of jobs which are popping up on sites like indeed.com and the New York State department of Labor’s website. On NYU’s careers page there were at least a dozen other jobs besides the library reference job I applied to. After a long, dull hiatus, the New York Public Library is hiring again. The Brooklyn Public Library. We may hopefully see journalism and publishing institutions start hiring again too (it seems lately as if there has been a veritable hiring freeze in publishing, because I haven’t seen a single editorial assistant job listed in months).

More job vacancies floating around can only be a good thing, and hopefully this return to employment will see itself to completion. But keep in mind that this is only the beginning, and everything has only been doused in a semblance of normalcy for less than two months. I am not enough of an economist to predict whether these optimistic hirings will continue. For all I know, the new crop of jobs listed on all the various websites are stimulus jobs, paid for by non-existent money borrowed from China. That alone does not feel like a very sturdy foundation for a recovery, especially one that a boom could materializing out of anytime soon. But, I’ll take it. This little spark of prosperity is better than anything else we’ve seen lately.

Oh yeah, the NYU job. Since my last post was all about creating the perfect cover letter, you probably want to see my “written handshake” for the job (because that is what a cover letter is, it’s a written handshake). I’m not sure if I aced it or not, but I’m convinced I didn’t blow it. Here is:

August 27, 2009

Dear New York University HR personnel,

I am applying for your Library Reference Associate position advertised on your website. I am a recent college graduate (BA, English) who has worked at libraries for more than 3 years both during and since college, with 2 of those years being devoted to reference department employment.

The nature of my reference work can best be described as student assistant/technician/clerical and I feel greatly qualifies me for the duties listed in the job description. I very recently worked in reference for a year and a half at a public library independently overseeing 3 rooms equipped with books, computers, periodicals, materials and microfilm machines. I am highly familiar and comfortable with the various aspects of library reference work, particularly in conducting research, compiling and indexing information, overseeing the organization of inventory, coordinating with all levels of staff within the library architecture, and providing non-stop useful and helpful customer service.

My substitute teaching and tutoring experiences (1 year each) have been cross-cultural, working with multi-linguistic learners both young and old. I believe this background will also be useful to the NYU Reference Associate position, particularly when it comes to interacting with a highly diverse population of students, faculty, staff and patrons.

Blending my ability to be an impeccable library clerk and effective instructional leader, I believe I can be an asset to New York University’s Library.

I sincerely hope you will consider my candidacy for this opening. Enclosed you will find my resume which further highlights and lists my education, recent work experience, publications, skills and contact information. 

TIM FREEMAN

I didn’t have room to write “Sincerely” above my name because I had to convert the document into a PDF file in order to submit it, and I wanted to fit everything on one page. I also listed my other library work experience not listed on my resume like I did in the cover letter for the BPL job (see previous post).

I feel like my effort was good, but it wasn’t great! (as Tony the Tiger would say). NYU is also seeking somebody with a background in science, and I didn’t want to include that I have an easier time with abstract concepts and words than I do with tangible facts and numbers. I didn’t think mentioning that I’m currently reading Angels & Demons would go far enough in showing how I’m able to intellectualize science. After all, I didn’t write the book, Dan Brown did. I’m only able to read it and enjoy it, just like millions of others.

Anyway, hopefully they will contact me for an interview. While I cross my fingers and hope for that, in the meantime I have other jobs to apply to. Unemployment makes us apply for three jobs each week, and I still have to apply for one more this week (before Sunday) to meet that requirment.

* One can only look back at those desperate times and feel that it would have been as good a point in recent history as any for opportunists with little or no education to slip in through the back door of the white collar world. 20 years down the road I’m sure these people would appreciate their serendipitous fortune as they reveled in their corner office views, senior titles and six-figure salaries.

The cover letter: don’t blow your chance to make a strong first impression

Some cover letters fall short when it comes to conveying my interest or excitement in a particular job, or why I feel my candidacy should be taken more seriously than somebody else’s. Looking over the recent applications I’ve submitted, I can see where my cover letters have succeeded and where they have failed. I do believe that the cover letter can make or break your chance of landing a job. It is like a first impression, an introduction to the rest of your application. If it is sloppy and informal, you have already set yourself up for potential disaster. The HR person is already skeptical, and he or she is now reading your application looking for any hints that you might actually want the job or be qualified for it in the first place. Because, let’s face it, if you and I were about to get engaged, and I was meeting your father for the first time, I better put on a big smile and shake his hand firmly and assertively when we meet for the first time. “HI,” I should beam, “I’m TIM and I WANT TO MARRY YOUR DAUGHTER!” My posture should be erect, my grooming should be impeccable, and my body language should exude a mix of independence, open and loving (i.e., protective) warmth, and learned sophistication. In situations like this one needs to put their best foot forward. Similarly, when you are applying for a salaried job with benefits - a job where they are going to pay you $30K or more dollars per year to do whatever it is the job entails - you need to make some kind of an effort. In fact, you have to do more than just make “some kind of an effort”; you have to really try. Remember, you are competing against other people who want and need the job as badly as you do. And some of these people will probably have degrees from Princeton and modelling avocations which will go a long way in making schmucks like you look like crappy half-wits. So you really need to put yourself out there and give it your best shot.

Below is an example of a cover letter I submitted as part of an application for a job at the Brooklyn Public Library. The job is a clerical/administrative job with the BPL’s literacy program for adults. The job duties include:

• Serve as the primary liaison for the literacy administrative office.
• Interview, orient, supervise and evaluate full-time and part-time clerical staff in 5 adult learning centers.
• Coordinate budget for the Literacy Program, and provide oversight for several grant project budgets.
• Monitor expenditures, reconcile purchase orders, materials, supplies, personnel (full-time, part-time, consultants, etc.), and prepare budget modifications.
• Coordinate data compliance by supervising clerical staff in the collection, entry and submission of data.
• Responsible for the communication and promotion of programs and events between the literacy administrative office and the general public.
• Responsible for the coordination of materials selection orders for three literacy programs (Literacy, ESOL, and Pre-GED), search professional literature and databases for availability, create electronic orders, place orders and liaise with branches for treatment, placement and receipt of materials.
• Coordinate various committees to organize the Annual Literacy Tutor/Student Recognition event.
• Compose letters and correspondence relating to the Literacy program.
• Assures that equipment and machinery used in the learning centers and branches function effectively.
• Perform other related duties as assigned

Here is the cover letter I submitted along with my resume:

August 18, 2009

Dear Brooklyn Public Library HR staff,

I am applying for your Administrative Associate (Literacy) position advertised on your website. I am a recent college graduate (BA, English) with more than 3 years of library experience and 1 year of substitute teaching experience. I hope you will consider my candidacy for this opening as I have many of the qualifications you are seeking. Enclosed you will find my resume which highlights and lists my education, recent work experience, publications and skills.

The reason I feel this job is right for me is because it will allow me to combine what I’ve learned in my previous library, teaching and tutoring experiences and apply that knowledge to the worthwhile goal of helping streamline the BPL’s literacy program. I have an extensive background performing clerical duties at libraries both during and since college. My substitute teaching and tutoring experiences have been cross-cultural, working with multi-linguistic learners both young and old. Blending my ability to be an effective instructional leader and impeccable library clerk, I believe I can be an asset to the Brooklyn Public Library. My previous work experiences are also fleshed out by a talent for writing, prioritization and multitasking skills, computer literacy and a coordinating ability to provide complete, professional and courteous customer service.

Other library jobs not listed on my resume:

July 2006 – December 2006– I worked as a student assistant in serials at the [redacted] College Library. My job entailed receiving and distributing daily mail, stamping newspapers and periodicals with school logo and applying anti-theft magnetic strips to them. I would then check-in newspapers and periodicals into Workflows, the library’s sophisticated virtual index and card catalog, applying changes in filing when necessary (for instance, recording changes related to volumes or numbering for journals and newspapers).

1996-97 Academic Year– In my freshman year of college, I worked as a student assistant in the reference and circulation departments at the [redacted] Junior College Library. In these positions, I coordinated with various library staff assisting with routine duties such as shelving and ordering books according to the Dewey Decimal system, checking books in and out, creating library cards for patrons, assisting students with their information-related needs, and always providing complete and friendly customer service.

Thank you in advance for taking the time to consider my application. I look forward to speaking with you soon to set up an interview.

Sincerely,

TIM FREEMAN

The only times I cringed re-reading this cover letter were: a.) line 3 when it says, “I have many of the qualifications you are seeking,” and b.) the last sentence where I write, “My previous work experiences are fleshed out by…” No-no-no. In the former mistake I did not need the word “many” when I write, “I have many of the qualifications you are seeking.” Simply stating, “I have the qualifications you are seeking in a candidate” would suffice. The latter mistake may not be so obvious, but it has to do with the phrase “fleshed out.” It is too informal and does not seem to fit with the rest of the cover letter. It is like an unecessary scribbled postscript at the bottom of a beautifully penned letter, and it reads a bit off compared to the formal style I was aiming for.

Anyway, hopefully my example of what I think is a well-written cover letter will help you if you are looking for a job. Cover letters should be a chance for you to include anything that is not listed on your resume, or to write in more detail about something that is already on your resume. The letter above summarizes my previous library work experience which is relevant to the job in question. Another thing I like about the cover letter is its introduction – it is assertive and straight to the point. I don’t waste a lot of time with empty cliches such as, “I am eager to get my feet wet in a new career in the Big Apple I would like to meet with you to further discuss how I feel I am qualified for this position yadda yadda yadda.” I am able to sell myself while actually sounding like I have something to sell. Furthermore, I point out how my previous library assistant/technician jobs and cross-cultural subbing/tutoring experiences are closely related to the job in question. In case the HR people don’t connect these dots themselves, you have done it for them. Don’t assume HR people are stupid, they are probably just really, really busy and their analytical faculties may have atrophied a bit in the years since college (I was in an HR office once in Manhattan recently and I can tell you that this is not all that has atrophied for most of them).

Finally, in case you are thinking my cover letter for the Brooklyn Public Library job is lackluster and sloppy, take a look at this non-stellar cover letter I wrote for a JetBlue Airways technical writing job back in February:

To HR Person,

I am applying for the Technical Writer position for JetBlue airways that is responsible for the development, revision and distribution of the Flight Crew Manual (FCOM) and Quick Reference Handbook (QRH). While my resume indicates that I have mostly library and substitute teaching experience, I also wish to highlight my writing capability. In addition to earning my BA degree in English and having 3 publications during the last 2 years, I have a broad vocabulary and an aptitude for communicating information and ideas using sophisticated words and sentences. I am adept at simplifying and summarizing, in college (and in my freelance work) meeting tight deadlines was crucial, and coordinating with other department associates is something I have done at my two most recent positions (see resume). I utilize Microsoft Office Word and Excel (XP/Vista) at my current job, I have excellent proofreading skills and I work well independently or as part of a team.

I am confident that I can bring my experience and skills to the challenge of being a technical writer. I am also prepared to learn and perfect any of the required technical aspects needed to perform the job duties.

As I currently live in upstate, NY, I hope to relocate to the New York City area upon securing employment. I will be available to meet in person at your soonest convenience to further discuss my candidacy for this opening if you wish.

Sincerely,

My biggest gripe with this letter is that it doesn’t say anything specific about me as an individual, or explain what I can bring to the job of being a JetBlue technical writer from my education and previous work and writing experiences. It looks like I just inhaled a lot of job skill phrases – “aptitude for simplifying and summarizing,” “coordinating with other departments” - and spit them onto the page. This fancy technical jargon, this HR shop talk – these phrases do not illuminate anything about me as an individual or explain how my qualifications fit with the job duties. If we are going to compare writing to clothing, this cover letter is the sartorial equivalent of the just-rolled-out-of-bed-and-threw-something-on look. It works for raking the leaves, but it is probably not going to convince JetBlue personnel that I am the most qualified candidate to compile their flight manuals and handbooks.

Extrication

I really put myself out there and applied for three jobs this weekend, and it’s ironic because I rented three movies on Friday afternoon. I checked out The Wrestler, Sex and the City and Stephen King’s The Mist from the library. I was anticipating having a kicked-back, lazy weekend full of cuddling, stuffed-crust pizza and Freon (because it was hot yesterday and today). But on Friday evening I still had to apply to one more job to fulfill my obligatory “3 jobs” requirement for unemployment. You see, the people down at the unemployment office don’t really care what you do (we’re all adults, right?) as long as you are applying to at least three jobs per week. And in this economy, applying for three jobs per week isn’t going to yield immediate results, but at least it provides the structure to keep you thinking like a soon-to-be employed person.

Anyways, I was really looking forward to Mickey Rourke’s performance as a guy whose not-afraid-of-getting hurt lifestyle has left him with bum knees, a Vicodin addiction and an estranged daughter (at least that is what I think the plot of The Wrestler is about). Plus, the movie won some Oscars, so it is a must-see for every person who has ever almost had an article about being a cinematic phillistine published. I checked out Sex and the City two weeks ago and didn’t really watch it. I left it playing in the background while taking a phone call from someone in Los Angeles, but I remember there being some good Tn’A sex scenes as well as a brief shot of a showering guy’s semi (for the sake of symmetry no doubt, because why would viewers of a movie that’s mostly geared towards a female audience only want to see naked women?). Since Sex and the City was a visually appealing flick, I was interested to figure out what goes on narratively in the film. Finally, Stephen King’s movie about a mysterious mist in a supermarket seemed good after having just watched M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening a couple weeks ago. There is nothing more scary than a mysterious killer which may or may not be invisible and is capable of pervading everything within and around you. I think there is already something like that in real life, it’s called tobacco. Plus, having spent more than 6 years employed as a jack of all trades at a supermarket, I am eager to see if there is anything more scary about a grocery store other than the psychosis-inducing Musak.

So there I was, all ready to enjoy my weekend as if I had worked hard all week, when suddenly I decided to go online and get applying for that last job out of the way. I didn’t glance at the jobs listings for long before my eyes landed on a librarian job at MTV. According to MTV’s website, the position duties and responsibilities entailed, “The processing, tracking and coordination of media raw stock requests into company database,” and, ”the arrangement and distribution of raw stock to MTVN user community.” The job required a bachelors degree, customer service/library experience, and computer literacy and writing/communication skills – all of which I have. Furthermore, the job didn’t look like a promotional job open only to MTV employees, so I went ahead and applied.

Still, I had my reservations. For anyone who is thinking this might be a dream job, I’m tempted to ask what could be so fun about sitting in a stock room all day loaning DVD’s out to clients? I suspect working in a video store would only be slightly less glamorous, except in this job your patrons would be media conglomerates instead of suburbanites. Still, since MTV mostly works with D-listers these days, I don’t think I would be distributing a lot of “raw stock.”

The ease with which my qualifications seemed to fit with the job’s requirements prompted me to apply for the job despite any lingering doubts I had. It felt like I was applying to the position simply to fulfill unemployment’s mandatory “3 job” requirement, and I didn’t like this. I don’t want to go about the job search in a half-assed way, as that is what the unemployment police probably suspect people will do. They think we are all a bunch of sneaky bastards who view being on the unemployment dole as some sort of extended paid vacation. And this week I unexpectedly found myself giving in to that tendency to just sit back and do the minimum in order to earn my weekly benefits.

This incipient feeling of being a corner cutter caused me to shift gears. My priorities were suddenly reversed, and I lost any interest in watching the movies which I had brought home.  I felt how I did back in college when most Fridays were spent looking forward to a busy weekend of paper-writing, catch-up reading and cramming for Monday tests and quizzes. If this weekend of mine was rendered as a movie montage, it would include lots of horizontal pans of me hunched over my laptop or tugging at a jammed printer. These scenes would rotate along with shots of me tossing goldfish crackers into my mouth, watching tv or doing jumping  jacks. All the while Tool’s “The Pot” would be playing. Every time there was a shot of me doing jumping jacks the speed would be sped-up 2X in ascending order, and with each horizontal pan of me at the laptop the serious look of concentration on my face would deepen. Likewise, the busted printer frustration would increase from yelling to pounding eventually climaxing with me smashing the machine at the end in the way a drummer might destroy his bass drum after a band’s brassy performance.

I only applied for two jobs after the MTV job, but there can oftentimes be a lot of work involved in applying for a job. First, there is the research part. This can involve hours of culling hundreds of jobs, many which the job seeker has already seen before, and some of which are cleverly disguised scams. Then comes the resume-tweaking, the carefully worded cover letters, and applying to many jobs today usually requires creating accounts with the career branch of a company or institution’s website. This can be helpful for the sake of having an application of file if you ever decide to apply for another position with the employer, but it is also time consuming. Also, I spent extra time applying to the two jobs this weekend to make up for doing the minimum this week and cutting corners by applying for the MTV job (which, let’s face it, monkies with typewriters probably apply for these types of jobs).

The two other jobs I applied to were within my related fields of education and work experience. One was an ESL lab teacher job with CUNY’s Research Foundation, and the other was a writing job at St. John’s University in Queens. The former position entails teaching non-English speaking adults in computer literacy/career skills classes, while the latter would have me writing, “Content for various projects, including but not limited to, letters, solicitations, brochures, PowerPoint presentations, event materials, advertisements,” and alumni magazine pieces and articles.

For the ESL teacher job, I’m not sure if I put myself out there too much or not. In the cover letter I wrote:

Dear HR,

I am applying for the F/T ESL/vocational computer lab teacher position in the Begin Managed Programs (BMP) department. I came across the listing for this vacancy at the New York State Department of Labor’s Job Exchange website.

I do hope you take the time to consider my candidacy for this position, as I think I closely fit the qualifications you are seeking.

As my resume indicates, I have 1 year of substitute teaching experience in a diverse public school setting. While living in [redacted], NY between 2007 and 2008, I subbed on a per diem basis at the elementary, intermediate and secondary levels. [redacted], NY is a city with a high vacancy rate which has recently been injected with new life thanks to an influx of refugees and immigrants from all corners of the world. These immigrants flood the city’s school district, creating a cross-cultural learning environment for students as well as educators. On many days I was called to sub in ESL classes that contained students from nearly every continent, and the experience was enriching and rewarding.

A two-semester long tutoring internship during college in 2006 at [redacted]’s Refugee Center, prepared me for my subbing experience in the [redacted] City School District. [redacted] College (my alma mater) participates in Project SHINE, an international program which partners colleges and communities to help recent arrivals to the United States assimilate and learn English. My role as a Project SHINE tutor in ESL classes, working with adult learners two hours per week during college, facilitated my transition to subbing in a multi-linguistic school district after college. I was also aided in both endeavors by my ability to communicate in Spanish with native speakers when English failed. I studied Spanish for two years during college and have since continued to use it on frequent enough occasions that it doesn’t go to waste.

Finally, during my most recent job at the [redacted] Public Library which I held for a year and a half, I routinely assisted patrons with use of the library’s public computers. These patrons were mostly adults, and since ¼ of [redacted]’s population . . . was born outside of the United States, I often had to overcome language barriers while helping them. These computer users displayed a wide range of computer literacy. Sometimes I had to assist people with basic interfacing, and other times I would help someone with uploading photos or videos from a flash drive onto a multimedia website. More often than not, however, people needed assistance navigating the Internet, and I was always happy to help them do this.

My resume further lists my education, work history, skills and contact information. Thank you in advance for considering my application.

Sincerely,

Timothy F. Freeman

8/15/09

Cool stuff. I will keep everyone posted on how the job search unfurls.

Where is My Mind?

I have been avoiding the blog for a while, not because I want to, but because my mind has been a huge blank this summer. Seriously, I think I might have brain damage. Backtracking, I’m not exactly sure when everything started to go wrong for me. But it’s safe to say that when I was laid-off from my job in June, the evaporation of any kind of formal structure system mixed with the very non-intellectual pursuit of trying to find work, has caused a huge swath of nothingness to open up in my life. Let me clarify that I am normally not one for exhibiting vast amounts of spontaneity, at least not consistently. Consequently, the ridiculous amount of fee time on my hands these past two months has been the bane of my intellect. Late nights have been spent watching B (and sometimes C) science-fiction flicks on cable and endless hours have disappeared into the black hole Internet realm of discussion forums, Facebook and other multimedia sites. Meanwhile, the job search always keeps chugging along unsuccessfully. The only thing tempering this ennui is a stack of books beside my bed, which I have been reluctantly trudging my way through like a fat Indiana Jones trying to pull himself out of quicksand. Thank God for my weekly unemployment benefits or I would be dining at the local dumpster behind my apartment instead of throwing boxes of pizza crust into it.

But more than just being lazy, or unfocused, or mired in a slump (as I like to describe my situation to my psychiatrist), I think I’ve also been hit with an invariable bout of Writer’s Block. I say invariable because these things are bound to happen sooner or later to  most aspiring writers. If the daunting challenge looming over our heads us doesn’t get us down, the realization that maybe we just don’t have what it takes to be a professional writer is sure to hinder our creative motivation. Like a lot of people who have been in my shoes, I am having a problem with the F word. I am finally experiencing what it feels like to cower before that dreaded and towering conception of Failure, a notion that prevents many a person from progressing in life and threatens countless dreamers not to dream big dreams. But – fuck! - more than this, I have been plagued by a syntactical problem which has messed with my ability to construct meaningful thoughts using sophisticated words and sentences. This latter condition is no doubt the result of subjecting my brain to excessive amounts of lowbrow entertainment and drivel during my down time (which I have a lot of). If I’m not ogling free online porn, I’m chatting with White Supremacists in the virtual equivalent of a prison cafeteria. It’s safe to say that I’ve developed some bad habits of late, and rather than try my hand at the writing to steer me back onto the right path, I’ve let the fear of producing something embarrassingly awful keep me away from the keyboard.

David Foster Wallace said that, “Anything that is a failure is always a victory.” Coming from a guy who’s battle with depression ended when he took his own life, these words mean a lot. Speaking at a panel in Italy in 2006 two years before his death, the author of Infinite Jest said, “In some ways what I try to do with myself is just avoid the success and failure thing, because there is so much about writing that is out of the writer’s control – not the action of doing it, but whether is comes alive or not – that if I begin to think in terms of failure, what happens is I get really depressed and the game is over, because I’ve already decided.”

In some ways what I’ve been waiting for is the automatic motivation, that ticket to ride the train of words that flows through the eternal ether. I have lost my Muse so to speak, and the ability to channel my thoughts and feelings into coherent sentences and paragraphs. To be linguistically deprived feels castrating in a way, because I consider my writing talent to be one of my biggest assets. If my ability to express myself and communicate effectively becomes limited, I feel doomed. After all, I don’t have washboard abs and a chisled face to fall back on, or better yet a bloated trust fund. What seems like even more of an affront is that I have all the time in the world to hone my language skills by reading, listening to NPR, or associating with other people who I consider to be smarter than myself. Instead, I watch videos of cats humping on You Tube, I chat with other unemployed people across the globe about meaningless minutiae (like the size and consistency of our bowel movements), and I find the desire to watch straight-to-DVD movies like Hell Raptor III at 1 am too tempting to pass up.

I swear, it feels like some stranger has usurped my brain and body and is using it for his own sick pleasure. Whatever the reason for my recent childish behavior, I don’t think I can go on living this life for very long before something changes. I hope that by taking David Foster Wallace’s words to heart I can overcome the initial urge to play it safe and avoid failure when it comes to writing. And hopefully the fact that I’ve just written about my Writer’s Block means that I’ve already taken the first step in confronting this obstacle.

Rolling the dice

Landing a job at the New York Public Library (NYPL) is, I swear, like getting accepted to Harvard. One has about the same chance being hired as a web aassistant in a retail shop at one of the Manhattan branches as they do winning the New York Lottery Mega Millions Jackpot. This is because anybody who thinks that they have a modicum of artsy and sophisticated bookishness (probably because they subscribe to McSweeney’s and listen to Arcade Fire) is always clambering for a job in The Big Apple. I see them on the train every time I go into the city: the liberated 40-something gays and lesbians who finally found the nerve to divorce their spouses and come out; the 20-somethings donning the latest H&M fashions playing solitaire on their MacBooks; the occasional cowboy or two intent on finding a piece of him or herself to take back to Middle America.

Even so, I think the idealistic drivel contained in the general cover letter (see below) for a NYPL job was not written in vain like the cover letters for the two recent scam jobs I applied to were. If the job search is essentially a numbers game, the only way one can increase their chances of eventually getting hired is by blanketing as many HR offices as is humanly (or electronically) possible with their resume. “Hi- I am so-and-so and I need a job, read my resume…READ IT!!!” The best thing about the NYPL profile I created on their website (which includes the cover letter featured below) is that I can now apply to all future jobs with just a click of the mouse. No more spending 2-3 hours compiling information, drafting cover letters and completing on-line applications. It’s already done, all I need to do is check the job postings every week. Badda-bing, badda-boom! And I can always go back and edit or add things to my profile as needed.

Anyway, here is my “idealistic” general cover letter to the NYPL:

Dear HR Person,

As my resume shows, I have over 3 years of experience working in a library setting both during and since college. In that time, I have come to appreciate and understand the anatomy of libraries as a work place – particularly, how the different departments interact and overlap, the familiar software, materials and nomenclature as well as the driving motivation behind the collective service of providing information. Libraries are many things: community nexuses, vessels of information and sacred fortresses of solitude.

I have held jobs at enough libraries (academic and public) in a variety of capacities (student assistant, circulation, serials and reference) to know that I like working in an information-rich setting. I like being surrounded by so many portals to knowledge and different worlds of fantasy. Six years in the supermarket industry has also taught me the advantage of having good synergy with patronage.

I would love to extend my employment experience in the library field by working for The New York Public Library in any capacity which you feel someone with my education and work history is most qualified. I have a lover of books, learning and reading that extends to library work, which I feel is tightly connected to my other areas of interest and previous work experience – namely writing and teaching.

Please take the time to view my resume which highlights my education, work history and skills. I hope I can be an asset to one of the New York City libraries.

TIM FREEMAN

Applying for jobs: Learn so you don’t get Burned

With so many people out of work because of the Recession, I thought I’d share my recent job hunting experiences with scams. Because, let’s face it, there are a lot of them out there. People are more desperate and vulnerable than ever now, and the scammers know this. Like a nerdy girl who agrees to meet a hunky guy she met on-line at the top of the Empire State Building, you can get burned if you’re not careful. Before you put yourself out there, consider the few hours I wasted researching (well, sort of) and applying to these two scam jobs.

Job # 1

The company described itself thusly: “[redacted] is an event based promotional company that works with the community to create awareness and revenue for charitable and non profit organizations for children.” Okay, cool. I’d be doing something yuppie-ish and selfless at the same time. Said company was seeking creative people with artistic, sales and business talent whom they would pay a starting salary of $30,000 per year. I’m not too greedy, I thought – I could swing it. My only suspicion that something was off had to do with the fact that the company’s website was still vague about what it exactly did. I was able to ascertain the basics – such as the fact that they organized community-based advertising events for charities and businesses – but a more specific description of the job duties and responsibilities was lacking. This should have normally sent alarm bells off in my head, but like a lot of job seekers I am desperate to land a job (any job) sooner rather than later. I’ve gotten used to putting myself out there as I realize there is very little to lose as long as I don’t disclose any sensitive personal information like my SSN or mother’s maiden name.

Anyway, here is the carefully-thought-out email I sent to somebody in HR at the company named Kate:

Dear HR Professional-

I would like to be a part of the future of advertising! [redacted]’s novel shift away from traditional advertising methods to community-based, grassroots promotion is appealing to somebody like me. You see, I consider myself a wordsmith, and as someone who cherishes his ability to craft sophisticated sentences and paragraphs, it is demoralizing to watch the current drying up of so many print media jobs. As the career landscape for future writers looks more and more barren, I dread not being able to have a job where I can employ my favorite talent for conceptualizing, drafting and writing creative and informative copy. Whether it be prose, poetry, drama or jingles – I feel I have the creative genius to be an asset to [redacted]’s mission in a variety of capacities.

And I also have people skills! Working in the supermarket industry for 7 years (1999-2006) taught me the value of customer service. Not only is having good synergy with your patrons helpful to a company’s bottom line, it is also FUN! Supermarket customers recognized me as a friendly, helpful, sociable and down-to-Earth kind of employee rather than as a rigid and disinterested associate. My job as a substitute teacher also helped me build effective communication skills. As a substitute, I needed to be able to seamlessly transition between the role of mentor, tutor, friend, instructor and disciplinarian. This was the only way to meet the diverse needs and demands of so many diverse classroom environments. And as a self-proclaimed shy person, I consider it no small feat that I have been an effective communicator at all of my previous jobs.

Please view my resume which I have cut and pasted below. It highlights my education, published writing and recent work experience. I hope there can be a place for me on [redacted]’s team.

Thank you in advance for considering my application.

Okay. Not a laborious task writing that letter, but it still took me over two hours to read everything that was on the company’s website and create that little self-advertisement. Two hours which could have been spent applying to a real job. How do I know the aforementioned job wasn’t real? Because, as soon as I clicked send and the above letter was beamed to Glen Cove, NY, an email popped up in my in-box from the company. It was from Kate, and she said, “Our hiring manager selected your resume for review but still has just a few questions for you before moving forward.” Kate wanted me to call her directly at 555.277.1536 so we can (as she said) “continue the selection process.”

Hmmmmmm, I may not be an expert on time travel and that sort of thing, but I know that it takes at least a few minutes to review somebody’s application. It also happened to be 11:30 at night when I sent the above cover letter, and unless Kate has access to a time machine, there would be no way for her to personally respond to me in a matter of seconds. Because that is seriously how long it took to get a reply from her.

If the alarm bells didn’t go off before, they were definitely ringing now. That vague suspicion I had had earlier finally broke free from my desperate blindness, and I decided to do some investigating. Turns out there is a website which exposes most of the scam companies called RipoffReport.com. I am not even going to reiterate what it says about [redacted], but if you want to read it you can click here.

Job # 2

This job is a bit less scam-ish, but after going to RippoffReport.com it is safe to say that everything about the institution doesn’t add up. This alone sort of makes it a scam, because if a business – or college or whatever – is either vague or lies about what it exactly does, it can’t be a very reputable business (or college), right?

Example: a city that I used to live in was known for being a place where factory work was a big former industry. Many people assumed that factories and manufacturing were part of the past in that town, sort of the laurels it could rest on (like saying, hey, we used to be a major player in the Industrial Revolution, what can your city claim?).

Anyway, the truth is that factory and manufacturing jobs are still plentiful in my former city. They just didn’t like to admit it. Who does? It is better to talk about a company’s status as a Fortune 500 company, or its millionaire CEO or its ever-increasing stock prices than it is to mention the fact that they are simply a manufacturer of medical devices. Saying “We have over 1,200 employees” makes you sound big, but if you mention that these employees make crap wages and have lousy health insurance, you look like a bunch of slave drivers.

You should also be skeptical of fancy jargon, shop talk and job titles. I have heard cashiers referred to before as “customer service  technicians.”  If you sit next to a girl at a bar and ask her what she does and she says, “I am a customer service technician” you think, oh, she must sit in a cubicle all day and make $40,000 per year. You don’t envision her in a dorky uniform covered with lots of flair repeating cheesy slogans all day to suburban moms and rednecks.

But I digress…

The job is described this way:

The customer-service oriented individual selected for this position will be the front-line contact for our students in our [redacted, redacted] Center. As an articulate and energetic [redacted] representative, this person will advise, counsel and provide excellent service for students both in person and over the phone.

I responded with this letter:

I am applying for [redacted]’s full-time adviser position located in Manhattan. I saw this job on the New York State Department of Labor website….[I briefly brag about my superlative 1997 SAT scores and college test taking experiences, etc]….I realize how important the SAT is for aspiring college students. I believe this understanding will enable me to assist young people and their families with courtesy and alacrity. I have excellent people skills which I have learned and honed at my former jobs and volunteer activities. As a tutor, substitute teacher, library reference worker and during a supermarket job I held for 6 years during college – in these various capacities the ability to communicate well and have good synergy with people was essential.

I look forward to having a chance to be considered for this job. I have enclosed a copy of my resume which further highlights and lists my education, recent work history, publications, skills and contact information.

Thank you,

TIM FREEMAN

After doing further research, I realized in the end that I had wasted  another couple of hours of my life. What sounded like a legitimate job at first turned out to be less than that…A LOT less than that. If hired I would no doubt get a paycheck, and I would have the self-esteem that comes along with being a productive member of society. But if being just another brick at the bottom of a large pyramid scheme structure makes you feel important…lets’ just say I’d be reading and re-reading Kafka’s The Trial every night to figure out who I was.

***

Pyramid schemes, scams, factories disguised as “global engineering  packaging consultants”…they are out there. And now more than ever because of this Recession. The scammers know when to strike, and they are striking. The job boards are littered with dozens of scams, some obvious and some not-so-obvious. Beware. If you are hired to work for a “global leader in information solutions” you might get stuck assembling touch-screen gambling machines. Or it could be worse. You could be hawking trinkets in Wal-Mart parking lots.

What would be even worse, however, is if you actually convinced yourself that this kind of work was in fact part of the reality of the rat race instead of just suffering some humiliation and bullshit for a day or two. Okay, you might think, this is part of the reality of work life: i.e.,  start out at the bottom, don’t ask questions, expect to work hard and someday you might actually become CEO, etc.

You’d be so wrong. You’d be a sucker. And some racketeer somewhere would be driving a BMW and own a Mansion or two because of the hard, futile and pointless work performed by schmucks like you.