Just A Girl

Amber pushes her dually stroller along the north to south corridor of her small Midwestern city every day. The adorable blonde heads of her toddler twins, Maggie and Megan, poke out of puffy white parkas like chicks hatching from eggs. Pedestrians often stop to remark how cute the girls look, calling them “little angels” and making gaga noises which are reciprocated by wide, wet smiles and excited shrieks of laughter from the girls.

Amber is a regular at the supermarket located near the end of Main Street. She knows all the managers, clerks and cashiers by first name. They always put a few extra cans of Similac on hold just for her and the store manager has even given her free diapers on more than one occasion.

Amber is greeted by Keith at the video store where she often takes out 5-10 movies at a time. Keith stopped charging Amber for late fees after she incurred a balance of $50.00 for a lost copy of The Incredibles. Keith will set aside new releases he knows Amber will enjoy: action/adventure, romance and comedy (Amber doesn’t care much for serious drama and sci-fi, and she doesn’t like anything that is “too artsy”).

After her daily grocery shopping trip, dropping off and checking out DVDs at the video store and sometimes feeding pigeons in the park, Amber returns home where she spends the rest of the day and evening on the Internet and engaged in mommy tasks.

“It is hard to tell people what I do,” she says. But then she corrects herself: “It is hard telling people what I DON’T DO.”

The father of Amber’s twins split two years ago and is now living somewhere in Georgia. He stopped paying child support ten months ago, but even before that Amber says it was hard getting even anything from him (such as a reliable address or phone number).

Amber is embarrassed by her lack of independence. Having no job and no social life, she says, makes her feel like an unproductive member of society. “I am like a useless prop,” she says. “Every city and town is supposed to have its unemployed single moms to laugh at, and that is me.”

As I followed Amber around, however, I became aware that nobody was laughing at her. In fact, people kept going out of their way time and again to help her or just make friendly conversation. When I reminded Amber of this she adjusted her position. “My thinking does tend to get clouded with negativity at times, and this is why I’m seeing somebody who helps me with these emotions.”

Amber visits a psychiatrist twice a month who prescribes Celexa for her depression. A case manager from a local non-profit agency checks in on her every week to make sure everything at home is honky dory. Amber also receives food stamps to help her buy groceries and other necessities for the girls. But rather than feeling entitled to this help, Amber instead feels like a victim. “I wouldn’t be in this mess today if I had been smart and known what I was getting into when I got pregnant,” she says.

Amber’s fixation with romance movies started when her doctor challenged her to find a way to counter her stressful feelings of depression and loneliness. While she admits that these movies make her feel good and calm her down, Amber claims that they also have the tendency to make her reality seem even more confusing than it already is. “These movies show me an entirely different world, one that doesn’t have any real hardships or consequences.”

If Amber’s life seems familiar, that is because it is.

Do you know someone like Amber?

With Age Comes Wisdom: Part IV (I think)

On pushing the envelope: “Why do most democrats live in the coastal Northeastern, Midwestern and Western cities while republicans largely live in inland, southern places that have shitty climates and poorer economies? And why do democrats tend to be well educated, have more wealth and are more culturally fleshed out than conservatives, who just sit at home and watch TV all their lives.

Contrary to what you may have heard, democrats are NOT Socialists. They are in fact living examples of how the system of capitalism works. That: if you work hard, apply yourself and follow the rules, you will reap the fruits of your labors. Also, we do not pander to Middle Americans in order to win votes. It was republicans who started the whole class warfare system which pits the Joe “six packs” against the Joe “Honda Accords.”

Conservatives always bash Obama for not knowing what he is doing. I’m sure they think McCain had all the answers in his wooden leg, or the solutions were up there somewhere in Sarah Palin’s beehive.

Damn! If only the GOP were in charge right now. A trillion dollar war is what we need to get us out of this recession, not a trillion dollar bailout package. Contracts for new jets and tanks would revitalize the factory cities of the Rust Belt by putting people to work. We need to be expanding our missile guidance research instead of trying to become a leading exporter of alternative energy technologies. Remember, there is still enough oil to get us through the next 100 years. And the world is going to end before that anyway, so who cares, right?

Never mind about the piles of innocent dead people who will have to be sacrificed for our progress as a nation. They will all dance and sing with us in the New Jerusalem which God will create after Jesus slaughters everybody in the year 2036. Manifest Destiny, people! Manifest. Fucking. Destiny!

It’s too bad high school dropouts aren’t being drafted to go fight in Iran or North Korea. This would not only make us safer as a nation, but it would have the added benefit of making the chasm between haves and have-nots even wider. A greater polarity in wealth would ultimately mean more people for the GOP to pander to. Faced with only two options – become a soldier or become a business professional – young people would have to decide. And the ones who chose the latter would be better off than the generation before them. No more half-assed professionals like teachers, social workers and librarians, right?

-Trickle down economics, yay!

-No more wealth redistribution.

-More development.

-Real estate values that become increasingly out of out of reach.

-And a giant wall to keep the Mexicans out.

Just think, it could be the 1980’s forever. You republicans with your same-old, same-old. Just keep on drinking Rush’s Kool-Aid.

OK, time to take my meds.”

What comes next?

Virgin will soon be closing two of its New York City locations including its flagship store in Union Square. This is because CD sales are nosediving off the charts like– Well, if you have been listening to most of your music on an iPod for the last two years you probably haven’t bought a CD since Radiohead released In/Rainbows. The funny thing about the Virgin closings is that the Union Square store is always buzzing with life (especially during the Christmas rush). A lot of this buzzing is foreign, yes, but it is buzzing nonetheless. If any retail store that sells mostly CDs should stay open as a vestigial reminder of the modern record store phenomenon, it should be the Virgin megastore in Union Square.

I’m sure there is more to be said about this, but I am either too tired or too brain dead to put this latest rash of planned CD retail closings into a larger (and/or personal) context. But I will try:

The world as we know it is constantly changing and will soon be unrecognizable to us young’uns and our children. The northeastern US (in fact a lot of the US) is very old and antiquated compared to California where modern structures dominate the city grids. Only the older architecture in places like Pennsylvania and Connecticut that has been well cared for can respectfully labeled as quaint. Despite the gleaming futuristic skyscrapers that dominate Manhattan’s skyline, many cities in my state of New York contain large sections which were built by previous generations. I used to live in a house that was constructed during the industrial boom of the 1920s. While living in this house I worked in a fabulous building that was erected in 1912. I often used to wonder about the lives of the original dwellers of my house and workplace. Realizing that they have all since passed on, I wonder what they would think if it were possible for them to come back to life. Would they wonder at the strange person who was living in their house? Was I trampling their memories in some way? Disrespecting their sacred places? Dishonoring their legacy.

I often wonder if society is guilty of these transgressions as a whole. When I look at all of the dilapidated buildings which haven’t been preserved I can’t help likening it to a dishonorable burial. Demolishing these eyesores would be as respectful as cremating them. Likewise, caring for them and inhabiting them would be the same as dressing them up like tombs or mausoleums. But to let nature slowly reclaim them somehow seems neglectful.

On a train ride yesterday I got a good view of once grand buildings that are now shuttered with plywood, etched in colorful graffiti and crumbling under the weight of time. Will California someday look like this? Will the hip and trendy tracts of suburbs built during the 1980s one day become ghettos filled with section 8 renters and boarded up drug houses? Will the stylishly modern office parks be converted into non-profit agencies and food banks? Will some of the shiny high rises stand vacant with trees and shrubbery pushing up through the foyers? Will California one day be a state of mostly graveyard cities?

And where will people go to escape all of this? What or where is the next frontier?

I always loved and dreaded going to the Tower Records in Fair Oaks, CA when I was a teenager. I loved it because I could always check out the latest cassette tapes and CDs by the popular bands of the decade. Slayer’s “Seasons in the Abyss.” Metallica’s titular “Black Album.” Jane’s Addiction’s “Nothing’s Shocking.” But I also hated going there because my mom always threw a fit. I had to prepare for whatever unpleasant scene she was going to create just as much as I anticipated the unexpected excitement of deciding which album I was going to buy with my paper route money. Usually her scenes always had something to do with the fact that Tower didn’t take checks. Cash or credit card only. No exceptions.

I think my mom knew this and only started writing a check each time out of spite for the teenager operating the till. “What do you mean I can’t write a check?” she would yell. Heads would start to swivel at the commotion and I would turn red. “I hate– This store– You guys always–,” my mom would stutter searching for the right words to define her indignation. She always left with the same threat of never returning to Tower, and by the time she uttered these words I was sweating from my shame and embarrassment.

My mom won’t have to worry about Tower (and neither will I) because they are no more. The once monolithic record, tape and CD retailer has become just another victim of the Internet and matchbook-sized compendious musical libraries.

The passing of record stores is just another example of how the American landscape has evolved and changed during my lifetime. Just as records changed into cassette tapes, and cassette tapes transformed into CDs, the communal record store is being replaced by the convenient and expeditious Internet. I guess the last domino in this long chain to fall will be the even more communal used record stores. These establishments have attracted a loyal customer base by staying true to the art of music through eschewing high profits and generic commercialism. But once CDs have been milked for all that they are worth, the technology will eventually be retired. Just like the Rubix Cube and Atari before it, the compact disk will soon be relegated to the nostalgia compartment of every body’s memory.

Technology is constantly shrinking and expanding the economy. I always envision the economy as a balloon: when it gets squeezed in one place it bulges out in other places. I’m not sure if this simile is uplifting enough to get you, or me or all of us through this Deep Recession, but it echoes a lot of other familiar sayings.

Michael Moore’s 1989 documentary about the plight of Flint, MI quoted a well-heeled citizen of the city saying, “Get up and get your own motor going, start your own wheels turning.” Basically he meant that people need to realize that the industrial revolution is for the most part over in America. People can either sit around and mope the “good” old days or they can point their compass in a new direction. Several generations who only know how to work with their hands and are familiar with grease and smoke might have a hard time adjusting to books, desks and computer screens. But that is the future. The old ways are in the past and aren’t going to come around again.

Some people are only capable of thinking one way or doing one thing. The American Rust Belt is perfect evidence of this. This has always been a conundrum to me, but in light of these lagging economic times, let’s hope it’s not an omen.

mano a mano (or Economics 101)

Beavis and Butthead, after eventually growing up and earning BA degrees, sit around discussing some of the implications of the current economic recession.

Butthead: “At a time when more honest Americans than ever could use some financial assistance from the government, there won’t be any money left in Washington’s piggy bank for them because it will already have gone to all the usual lazy bums who have made welfare a way of life. These same slobs will be treated with unmerited compassion like always. The hardworking Americans will just have to make do. They will be blasted for not saving enough, for getting too far in debt and for buying things like houses and cars just before both the real estate and auto industries folded. But like always they will pull through stronger and more resilient as a result of these trying times. The usual welfare slobs will be standing in line at the county and state buildings in every state 10, 15 and 20 years from now.”

Beavis: “The government just bailed out the big lenders to the tune of $700 billion so people can keep their homes. And Uncle Sam just pulled another $25 billion or more out of his magic hat and gave it to the auto makers as a bridge loan. Some may call this corporate welfare for the wealthy, but it will have a trickle down effect which will help the hardworking Americans who are trying to stay afloat during these rocky times. And don’t forget the stimulus checks Obama promised to the productive members of society. They should be receiving these in their mailboxes soon.

Will the usual welfare bums be getting a stimulus check this year?”

Butthead: “Huh-huh-huh…you said bums.”

Me talk pretty one day

My cousin is in one of these photos. Can you guess which one?

From a Topix thread on racism

(After some intellectual debate over the possibility of low intelligence being hereditary)

ME: I don’t even know why the possibility of genetics and hereditary low intelligence being causes of minority underachievement is a moot point. If one spends a few hours in a ghetto they will quickly realize that environment is everything in the disproportionate level of black and white success. The poverty, substandard housing, failing schools, lack of family structures as well as bad influences (from Hollywood and pop culture on down) all help contribute to the collective blight of African American communities across the country. As a white person I can’t even begin to imagine what my life would be like today if I had been born and raised into that kind of world. All I know is that it probably wouldn’t resemble the life I have now in the slightest way.

Taking the universal human experience into consideration, however, can people reach down inside and lift themselves up? Certainly. It has happened before with poor black people in America and the results have been nothing but inspiring. But usually people need some help in life because the challenge is too much to go it alone. This is not bleeding heart liberalism talking, this is just common sense.

While I’m on the philosphical topic of self motivation and will, however, I will just say that some white people I know who have all the trappings and resources of success can’t even tie their own shoes at times. These are the teens and young adults who are treated for clinical depression because they are unmotivated in their school work and don’t have many friends. Just think how much greater this lack of determination and focus would be if a person was born into a ghetto/poverty lifestyle and didn’t have the tools and help to pull him or herself up to a higher level of dependence.

So experts can conjecture about IQ and its link to minority underachievement, but the real root of the problem lies in the neglected and violent environments of American ghettos.

SOME SMALL TOWN BIGOT: And you know this how?
Antecdotal experience? Soemthing someone told you? Something you saw on televison?
Earilier in this thread the question was asked about why blacks continue to underachieve even after billions of dollars have been and continue to be poured into government programs over the last 40+ years. During the same period numerous other ethnic groups have immigrated to the US and starting from scratch have worked hard,learned the language, obeyed our laws and in general assimilated. What do we get for our money? Generations of black families that find it acceptable to live on public assistance, commit crimes that cost all of us and generally want to be a separate nation. There must be an explanation. The question of intelligence may have something to do with it. We’ll never know though will we? Because it’s too politically incorrect to think that any race may be genetically different than another. That’s racist to even entertain such a notion right?
Your statement about environment may be a good one but for the fact that we need to consider the fact that much of that environment has been created by blacks themselves. It has become accepted culture. For example,public education is available to all of our children regardless of race, creed or religion. Its been proven time and again that education is one of the biggest keys to ending the cycle of poverty. In [redacted] the graduation rate is below 60%. Many of those in the 40% dropout rate are from the black community. What chance do they have and who should we blame that on? Who should we blame the high unemployment rate among black men on? Is it really “the man” conspiring to keep them down?

ME: “Who should we blame the high unemployment rate among black men on? Is it really ‘the man’ conspiring to keep them down?”

I never implied that whites are conspiring to keep blacks down. But whites who are racist – either overtly or subtly – are not doing their part to help the situations of African Americans. We all have an obligation to help our neighbors out whether they be white, black, brown, male, female, children or elderly, etc. The government likes to throw money at a lot of problems. One notorious incident of gov’t mismanagement of funds occurred a few years ago when a federal agency was paying $200 for staplers and several hundreds of dollars for boxes of paper clips. Money can go a long way in ameliorating a lot of problems, but it can’t solve some of the pressing human needs and complexities. Hillary Clinton said it takes a village to raise a child. Well, I say this village involvement shouldn’t end once a person turns 18 or 21 or even 40. Each one of us is ultimately responsible for ourselves in life, but we are all like separate parts of a big, living, breathing organism. If one part of that organism starts to die, it effects the other parts. This might sound idealistic, but it’s part of the balance of life people are forgetting when they only point out what’s obvious from a certain vantage point.

Native Son by Richard Wright is a good read. It portrays what it’s like to go through life as a social pariah until the point that you become crazy. One person stated earlier that stereotypes are very powerful and in some cases turn out to be true. This is because we oftentimes act in accordance with expectations. If I’m white than I’m supposed to live in a suburb and act the way suburbanites act, and if I’m black I’m supposed to live in a ghetto. I think the way others view us can sometimes compel our behavior. If people view you as smart and successful than you’re going to be compelled to act smart successful. But if people view you as sneaky, dangerous, murderous, ignorant…

Did somebody say BRAINS!!!

This fake news parody is wrong on so many levels. Republicans are the ones slobbering all over themselves because – with loss of control of both the executive and legislative branches of government – they have nothing to look forward to. Obama supporters can look forward to four years of the change and promise which they worked so hard to make into a reality. If any grassroots Obama people look like this it is most likely due to a brain chemical imbalance from partying for so hard and so long after the victory two weeks ago.  

But what is also ironic about the humor of this video is that the burned out zombie-ism of the Obama supporters is more true for republicans who exhausted every effort to try to get McCain elected. FOX news now looks more like the 24-hour cricket network. Gone is the hype and the fear-mongering and the spin. What is left is stripped-down, minimalist TV news journalism. There is nothing at stake for them anymore so they don’t have to be so defensive and boisterous.

I’m sure everybody is feeling relieved now that this historic election season is over. Personally I found all the nervous anticipation and flexing of ideals to be very tiring.

In economic news

Today on Capital Hill domestic automakers were discussing a “bridge loan.” Is this a euphemism for “bail out?” The biggest question aimed at them had to do with their plans for restructuring to avoid the problems that got them into their current financial mess in the first place.

Many of the CEOs kept repeating, “we make cars for the American people” and referred to a possible bankruptcy of their respective companies as, “the loss of a crucial domestic industry.”

I especially loved how one person on the government panel pointed out the irony of these powerful CEOs arriving in Washington on their luxury private jets to beg for corporate welfare. He likened it to a guy showing up at a soup kitchen in a tuxedo.

Pardon me, would you have any mustard packets?*

* in case this last line went over anybody’s head (which I hope is not the case), it was a parody of this classic ad.

By the way, Obama’s name is still coming up as being misspelled when I run the wordpress spell checker.

My Mirage

Whether it’s due to my idealism, optimism or lack of common sense, I often buy into big ideas and big concepts. To give one instance of this tendency to think big I need to highlight the last two years of my post-collegiate experience. Nothing better sums up the anti-climactic feeling I had after earning my BA degree than this essay which I wrote last year for my Alma mater’s newspaper (warning: this is an example of my former long-winded style of writing). The main relevance of the essay is the fact that it is a one year assessment of what had happened in my life in the year since I had left the college atmosphere. Now that it is coming up on my two-year college graduation anniversary, the essay stands out again as a reminder of everything I mostly haven’t – and the few things I have – accomplished.

Many of the things I thought would have been realized by now – what I call “the benchmarks of success” – haven’t materialized for me yet. The $30,000 per year salaried job with benefits, the comfortable rented condominium, the 2009 Honda Civic sedan to get me around, all of it is waiting just around the corner. If I could only get there.

A college degree does not automatically get you there. At best it is only a vehicle for helping you get there. Rather than being a skeleton key which can unlock any door on the road of life, a college degree is more like a key which only gets you into the vestibule of the house of success. A master’s degree might be the highly prized golden key to success it is frequently painted as, but a college degree is sometimes analogous to the Old Testament in Christianity: it is only half of the piece of the pie (and the less crucial half at that).

Which brings me back to Big Ideas and Big Concepts (and I’m not talking Donny Deutsch’s kind of air-headed big ideas). As a Big Institution, higher education is attractive to people who find comfort in the herd mentality. It’s also probably one of the most respected big institutions left because it doesn’t use manipulation, obfuscation or other forms of mind control to rope in followers. A liberal arts education turns one into a free-thinker and – by extension – a free spirit. What is better than having the ability to sophisticatedly comprehend life in all of its complexity?

But like all Big Institutions, higher education if full of idealism and feel-good concepts (even if these concepts, like post-modernism, are sometimes depressing). It makes grand and radical promises, comforts and appeases and has a limitless outlook. That is why a liberal arts education is often painted as the golden compass we need to guide us through life. It is often referred to as a “key” alongside words such as “doorway,” “golden,” “path” and “life.” Institutions of higher learning must have purchased real estate in the land of Oz.

But what does the data say? Can the U.S. economy guarantee a well paying job for every single recent college graduate? Or does retail work and unemployment await half of all people after they accept their diploma and walk off stage? If a college senior thinks he will hereafter be able to afford condominium rent or a home mortgage, why are half of all my friends with college degrees still living with their parents? And if a person makes several sacrafices to put herself through school so she won’t ever have to stand behind a till again, what should she think if she’s 34 and stuck working at Kohl’s?

I really don’t have the answers to these questions. But it’s obvious that the vision of the Institution of higher learning is bigger than the buildings and people who make up all the colleges and universities across the country. Its vision is too big in some cases and could stand to benefit from an adjustment. People attend college because they crave the American Dream. But there is nothing more demoralizing than doing what you think you have to do to earn that Dream and then getting let down. It weakens people’s faith in the comforting predictability of life and makes them bitter. For those who haven’t benefitedfrom a college degree, Easy Street only becomes more unattainablele.

Earning my bachelors degree was an enjoyable challenge. But each time I make an annual assessment of my post-collegiate progress, I realize the real work has yet to begin.

Duped by craigslist again

A posting on craigslist which I recently responded to was asking for written contributions for a book the poster claimed to be working on. The poster was seeking short essays (500 words max) about what techniques we use to alleviate stress. The book in progress supposedly focused on ways of incorporating an organic spirituality into our technologically charged lives. It seemed to be a guide for getting in touch with our natural selves not by going on technological fasts but rather by learning to interact with technology in a more spiritual way.

Anyway, in hindsight I realize I was probably helping some high school student write her college essay. I knew better than to entirely trust craigslist, but now I feel like a total schmuck who has been taken advantage of.

I’m happy helping other people succeed but not when it involves helping them cheat. I wonder when colleges and universities will start requiring application essays to be submitted via turnitin.com?

Here is what I wrote:

I enjoy writing essays, poetry and short fiction. Using this medium I find I am able to channel a lot of my vague feelings and convert them into visceral metaphors and anecdotes. The process involves a lot of sifting and is extremely cathartic. Limited body language and social skills often make me incapable of completely conveying my thoughts and feelings the first time. As a result I am left with a sense of imperfection, and writing for me is a way of trying to restore life’s perfection. While the act of writing is organic, it is still largely dependent on technology since I require a laptop to write. This doesn’t lend the process an air of artificiality, however, but is proof of how deeply rooted it is in the modern world we all live in. Because of this it can be considered an inestimable contribution to humanity. Being engaged in something so noble is renewing to the spirit and leaves me with a clean slate sort of feeling after I complete a good piece.

 

On communication breakdowns and being real

BERT: “Is anyone else tired of hipsters and their oh-so-precious attitudes? You know the type I’m talking about, right? Their life is all about irony, and kitsch, and pseudo-intellectual babbling, which in reality hides how insecure they are. I mean, do these types actually know how to have a conversation, or is it all about their rhetoric and talking down to you?”

ERNIE: “I know what you mean. The polarization of wealth and power in this country has created two conversational extremes. On the one hand there are the sophisticated people who like to listen to themselves talk, and on the other there are the ignorant people who grunt and mumble the occasional word or two.

I don’t think it’s actually a case of black and white, however. People have varying degrees of intelligence and a diverse range of interests and values. But when people buy into stereotypes and homogenization personality structures begin to break down and we start to act in accordance with expectations. I think this is bad for human relations and the rugged individualism which is a cornerstone of the American way of life.

We are supposed to be a nation of free-thinkers and free-spirits, but lately a lot of people have been playing follow the leader.”

BERT: “You are exactly the kind of person I’m talking about. Listen to how self-important and ridiculous you sound.”

ERNIE: Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!!!